I want to be a pillow & rock the boat

I haven’t been doing much rambling publicly lately…well unless you have the joy of talking to me in person 🙂
But I’ve had so much in my head lately with just life that I needed to ramble a little bit to clear some space.

b960ac7501c740eb834371a788e9d356

I’ve been processing so much emotionally lately regarding parenting and just my own sinful self. I’m nearing my last year of my 30s and the reality of my age and the length of time I’ve been married has finally hit me. I’ve also realized how much I long to change. Today I declared to a friend that I want to be a pillow. I want to be a soft, gentle person. It’s like I’m trying to dig out a splinter that won’t come out. I keep digging and digging and it just keeps chipping away but I can’t seem to grab it with the tweezers. But the harder I try, the harder it is. I’ve just got to release. Realize the part of my (my crazy hardness) that I want to release and change and then give it up to happen. The harder I try, the less likely it is to really happen. <!–
I am also realizing how much I want to nurture my children and their bents, slants and gifts.

c696ab85eaccab603d2dce650da675c4

I listened to my rambling daughter yesterday go on and on for 20 minutes about some wild and crazy story. I was stuck in a car driving, so I had nothing else to do but be captive to her storytelling. And it was like I was listening to myself when I was 7-8-9-10…
I loved nothing more than to write and tell stories and I remember living so much inside my head when I was little.
Be what it may, that part of me was never seen or nurtured when I was growing up. What a gift that God showed me this little glimpse into her world and into my memories. How I long to nurture and grow and notice that crazy tendency of hers…instead of rolling my eyes, tuning her out or not really entering into the story with her.

max in boat close up

And I’m also rocking the boat. I’m not one to release and I struggle greatly with living up to expectations. I’m the good child in my family and therefore I am not a boat rocker. The other sibling tends to be. I think I’ve spent years trying to be the one trying to keep the boat from flipping everyone out. But honestly, at some point in life we have to let our kids jump out of the boat and let them get on their own. I’m going to have to let my kids out of the boat; sink or swim it is going to be their turn to make choices and decisions. Here’s to finally realizing that I’ve got my own boat to paddle.

Advertisements