I Hate Decisions

This is truly a venting post. Read on with caution.

I hate decisions. I am a worrier. I don’t let things go. I let them fester. I think of a million different outcomes and scenarios until I wake up at 4am and can’t sleep (partly bc of the foghorn sleeping next to me) but also because I just can’t seem to let it all rest in God’s hands.

Here’s the deal. I am finishing up my current job at the end of May (which honestly I’m SO relieved!). My husband and I are sitting with what next fall will look like. We have 2 kindergarten options for our son (ack!) and I am also pondering going back to teaching full time. At this point, the job search is pretty dry. But it is still early in the game. We are also on a childcare hunt for little chick if I do work.

It’s basically a choice between a very calm and family invested year (with money stress) or a crazy, mad year with all of us going a million different ways (but with very little money stress). I don’t want it to come down to money and when I type this it seems that I would be crazy to choose the working bit, but you see I miss it. I never thought I would ever want to be close to a classroom again, but I want to be…some days.

But I also have this completely different perspective on being at home and just being present with my children (basically me taking care of them 24/7 instead of someone else too). And there are days (you know those days) where I am lying on my floor in defeat begging for a good job because I can’t do this anymore and then other days (you know those too) when I couldn’t imagine giving this up.

I’m just so totally torn in half. It’s truly all a matter of timing and honestly there isn’t much either one of us can do besides give it up to the Lord. It’s that limbo that sucks. That span of time where you really just need to be enjoying your day instead of sitting on the internet researching jobs or hobbies (or venting to the 5 people who read this blog)

So there, I’m venting and it feels so much better.

Now if only tomorrow I could get an answer!

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3 thoughts on “I Hate Decisions

  1. I hope I am considered one of the “five” that read your blog! 🙂

    I wish I had an easy answer for you. We struggle with the same exact thing. I completely understand how you feel when there is a big decision at hand. I replay every possible scenario over and over in my head, talk to others, use the internet as a resource, until I finally realize that I must truly turn it over to God as I have said that I did in the first place. I must have control issues because that is sometimes a hard thing for me to do. (I am making lesson plans right now for my maternity leave because I can’t up control!) I usually have a back up plan C and D in case A and B don’t work out.

    I want so badly to do what God has called me to do, I can only pray that I am doing the right thing. Most times I feel like staying home (I don’t consider my 15 hours a week of teaching really “working”) is the right thing to do because it is so hard. And God’s path is often not easy. Working would be difficult in the sense of lost time, but staying home I think, is harder. Being with your kids from sun up until sundown is not easy. Teaching them at ALL times to love, honor, and serve God is not easy. Shepherding their hearts is not easy. And sometimes, most of all, trusting that we will provided for financially, especially in these economic times, is the hardest thing of all to do.

    I pray your answer comes soon.

  2. Dag-blasted, that money!

    It is an evil resource of Satan’s in my opinion!

    It sucks, I know.

    I feel you on many levels.

    I taught for 7 years prior to staying at home once Eli was born. I nver thought I would miss it too, but in about the past 3 months I have gotten the itch again.

    I think, at least for me, it’s that longing to make a difference with challenges in a social setting outside of your home.

    I say this with a twist of lemon squeezed for those **other 4*** who are gasping at the moment thinking, “But, you are making THE difference with your own children at home; that’s irreplacable!”

    And it is. It’s just that these little beings are tied to your heart and apron strings both literally and figuratively. They are a constant with no breaks in between, no “happy hour” in the hallway after school with other teachers to vent, refresh, re-invent yourself, and be inspired again.

    The work load is manageable, of course, but if you don’t watch yourself…staleness sets in due to the day-in-day-out regimine.

    Let it go. Apply for jobs if you feel led. But let it go. God will open doors if they need to be. Keep this decision pressed in against your heart with prayer and petition, BUT don’t neglect the glory of the todays that God is blessing you with caught up in worry and angst. (I know, I know. Easier said than done, but just HUSH and do it!!—note to self there for me on an occassion or two)

    Think of the part time opportunitites. Perhaps working a couple days at a nearby pre-school where little Chick can go (for free)…an outlet for your creativity and skill as well.

    Think of the times coming quite soon when Rooster and Chick will want and need you less…shutter to think, I know, but they are coming.

    Think of 5 years from now. Sit there for a minute. What do you see?

    Ask God to show you what He sees for you.

    Its so hard to get caught up in the NOW and forget about the BIG picture God is painting.

    As far as Kindergarten for Rooster…this is my opinion, but choose the school where you see God the most.

    The rest is just chalk build up on the chalkboard tray.

    Above all, let it go. It’s not REALLY your decision to make. God will sift through this with you as soon as you lay it down for Him to hold the sifter. It’s like you are playing tug-of-war with him on this.

    I say all of this taking heed to my own advice as we also have several decisions on our plate to let God sift for us. Please do not think that my nose is in the air looking down on you. It is quite the contrary. I am the other girl on the other side of the sifter, pulling against God on several things at times.

    I have never met you, but have no doubt that we were placed by the hand of God to meet through technology to help one another in our walk when we can.

    I will have you and your family in my prayers as I know the hurt and heartache of so much of what you are feeling with your decisions.

    Love,
    .mac 🙂

    p.s. ***the other four*** Silly girl, you know there are at least about 20 lurkers or more who NEVER comment!!

  3. I am a former teacher as well. I went with the SAHM full time route but I totally hear you on the desire to be ANYWHERE ELSE somedays. 🙂

    I think the pre-school idea sounds really great. I was going to suggest looking at subbing 1 day a week. I subbed for a year or so after moving when I didn’t really want to go back to full-time teaching but wanted to keep my hand in. I adored it. You get to do all the fun parts of teaching like, actually teaching, while skipping over staff meetings, parent phone calls, etc.

    On the money issue… I suggest you read The Two Income Trap. It was really eye-opening to me about having one person at home.

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